Today, we're diving into an often misunderstood topic: understanding the different between our needs and the strategies we use to meet them. It's common for many of us, especially parents, to feel overwhelmed and unsure about how to balance our needs with our responsibilities. Let's explore how we can identify those needs and break free from feeling stuck in unhelpful strategies.

Understanding

Needs

When I work with clients, a prevalent theme emerges—many come to me because they feel their needs are unmet. This often leads to feelings of burnout, exhaustion, frustration, and even resentment. They might express thoughts like, "I can’t get my needs met because my kids are too demanding," or "I have too much on my plate." The reality is, this situation is not sustainable.

Parents often grapple with the desire to be good caregivers while also fulfilling their own needs. When I ask someone what they need, the response is frequently, “I don’t know,” or they might mention something like, “I need a massage, but I can’t because I don’t have time or money.” Here’s the key: this response usually highlights a strategy rather than the actual need.

Needs vs. Strategies

It's essential to differentiate between needs and strategies. A need is something essential for our well-being, while a strategy is a method we employ to fulfill that need. For instance, if someone says they need a massage, it may signify a deeper need for touch, connection, or relaxation. Understanding this distinction allows us to dig deeper into what we genuinely require.

Consider the various needs that a massage might address: the need for physical touch, the need for connection, the need for quiet time, or even the need for relief from stress. While a massage can potentially satisfy many of these needs, it’s crucial to remember that it’s just one strategy among many.

If you have a hard time imagining what the underlying needs might be, it can be helpful to reference a “needs list” such as this one

Digging Deeper:

Identifying Actual

Needs

When we recognize that a strategy like getting a massage isn’t accessible—due to time, money, or childcare constraints—we can shift our focus to the underlying needs. For example, if the need is for touch, we can explore other ways to satisfy that need. This could involve asking a partner or friend for a hug, snuggling with a pet, or even engaging in self-touch techniques.

Our brains naturally gravitate towards solutions. We often default to strategies that have worked for us in the past or that we’ve observed in others. However, if we limit ourselves to these familiar strategies, we may overlook alternative solutions. This can lead to a sense of hopelessness, convincing ourselves that we must simply survive without fulfilling our needs.

Beliefs Impacting

Our Needs

Once we identify a need, we must also consider the beliefs we hold about that need. These beliefs can significantly influence how we approach fulfilling our needs. For instance, someone might believe, "I shouldn’t need this," or "I can only meet my needs after everyone else has had theirs met." These beliefs, often ingrained from past experiences or societal norms, can hinder our ability to prioritize our own needs.

It’s not about labeling these beliefs as good or bad but rather understanding their origin and assessing their validity. Are these beliefs true for you? Do they serve your well-being? If not, how can we work to shift those beliefs and allow ourselves the space to prioritize our needs?

Building Skills to

Meet Our Needs

Another essential piece in this puzzle is identifying the skills we possess—or need to develop—to meet our needs effectively. For example, if touch is the identified need, do you know how to ask for it? Can you express that need to a partner or close friend? Are you comfortable setting boundaries to protect your time and energy?

Building these skills is vital. Whether it’s learning self-touch techniques, practicing assertiveness in asking for help, or establishing boundaries, these skills empower us to take proactive steps in meeting our needs. It’s about equipping ourselves with the tools necessary to be able to get our needs met effectively.

Creative Problem

Solving for Needs

After we’ve identified our needs, examined our beliefs, and developed necessary skills, we can engage in creative problem-solving. This stage allows us to brainstorm alternative strategies to meet our needs. If a massage isn’t an option, what else can we consider? It’s important to consider at least some options that don’t require a lot of time, money, or separation from children if you’re a parent. It’s also possible to consider options that only partially meet a need. Options could include:

• Practicing self-touch techniques.

• Requesting a hug or back rub from a loved one.

• Snuggling with a child or pet.

• Engaging in mindfulness practices that focus on the sensations of touch.

• Using a weighted blanket for comfort.

By creatively brainstorming, we can uncover many strategies that may not have been initially apparent, allowing us to meet our needs in various ways.

Getting Unstuck:

The Path Forward

Many individuals feel trapped in the cycle of unfulfilled needs, believing they must live without them. However, there are usually opportunities to adjust and find ways to meet those needs, both internally and externally. If this process feels overwhelming, I encourage you to seek support. Whether through one-on-one consultations or group sessions, I can support you through investigating these layers and finding ways to get your needs met.

Additionally, I’ve created a free workbook called "Bubble Mapping," available below. This workbook is designed to help individuals investigate the layers of their relationships, needs, and the skills and beliefs that influence them. It’s a fantastic resource for anyone looking to delve deeper into their emotional and physical needs and how to address them effectively.

Conclusion

In conclusion, understanding our needs and the strategies we use to meet them is vital for our well-being. By differentiating between the two, examining our beliefs, building necessary skills, and engaging in creative problem-solving, we can break free from feeling stuck. Remember, it’s possible to meet your needs in fulfilling, creative, and sustainable ways, and there’s no need to navigate this journey alone. I look forward to connecting with you and supporting you on this path to thriving relationships with yourself and others.

Made with VideoToBlog using my original video needs vs strategies.mp4 I use AI to create a written resource for those who find reading more accessible than watching a video- because I find speaking much easier to engage in than writing.