Introduction to Hierarchy

in Polyamory

Today, we're diving into a topic that often sparks debate in the polyamorous community, especially among parents: Is a hierarchy the only way that polyamory with kids can work? When we talk about hierarchy here, we're referring to a setup where the relationship between the biological parents is placed at the top. Let's explore this idea together, discuss why some people consider it, and contemplate whether it's truly necessary.

Why Consider a

Hierarchy?

Hierarchy is a common starting point for many who are transitioning from a monogamous to a polyamorous lifestyle. Imagine a couple who were married, had children, and were monogamous. Now, they are considering opening up their relationship. A prevalent fear is that polyamory might damage the couple's relationship, potentially harming the children in the process. No parent wants to make choices that could negatively impact their kids.

This fear often leads to a separation of polyamory from parenting. The kids remain unaware of other partners, and these partners don't meet the children. It's like creating distinct compartments for parenting and partnerships in one’s life. One common concern is the potential confusion for kids. If you're worried about explaining these relationships to your children, that's a separate conversation worth having.

The Role of Passing

Privilege

If your relationship mirrors the societal norm of monogamy—married with children—there's a "passing privilege" that might be crucial for safety. Not everyone operates in environments where being openly nonmonogamous is safe. So, maintaining this privilege could be necessary for some. However, distinguishing whether this need stems from genuine safety concerns or adult discomfort is essential.

Evaluating the

Hierarchical Approach

Is placing the bio-parent relationship at the top of the hierarchy a good idea? Here are some questions to reflect on:

• Are the children's needs being met by this arrangement?

• Are the adults involved getting their needs met, or is someone sacrificing their desires for the other's comfort?

• Do outside partners understand and consent to this dynamic?

• Are the primary adults using hierarchy to avoid addressing fears and insecurities related to polyamory?

These questions can help determine whether the hierarchical structure is genuinely beneficial for everyone involved.

Considering Alternatives

to Hierarchy

If you're questioning whether hierarchy works for you, or if you're considering changing it, there are some important considerations to take into account.

Many worry about the impact of introducing children to partners, fearing the consequences if the relationship ends. Yet, children often have meaningful bonds with non-parent adults, like teachers or family friends, who aren't permanent. It’s crucial to recognize that children are resilient and can handle changes in their relationships, provided they have support.

Balancing Relationships

and Responsibilities

Polyamorous relationships can adapt to life's demands. For instance, if a child needs more attention due to illness or other challenges, it doesn't necessarily mean ending a relationship. It might mean reprioritizing temporarily. It's about communicating needs and finding ways to support one another, rather than sacrificing relationships.

Addressing Underlying

Fears and Insecurities

Often, fears about polyamory hurting children mask deeper insecurities about personal vulnerability. It's vital to explore whether these fears are about protecting oneself rather than the kids. Improving communication with partners and addressing relationship challenges can strengthen the foundation, making hierarchy less necessary.

Fostering Strong

Relationships

A robust relationship is one where challenges are opportunities for growth, not threats. Developing skills in communication and conflict resolution can create a sense of security, allowing for more flexibility in relationship structures.

An Alternative

Perspective: Prioritizing

Children's Needs

Consider a shift in perspective: What if the hierarchy prioritized children's needs instead of adult relationships? This doesn't mean sacrificing everything for the kids but finding a balance where everyone's needs are met. It’s a thought exercise that might provide new insights into your relationships.

Conclusion

These are complex issues with no one-size-fits-all solution. Exploring these dynamics requires self-reflection and communication. If you're seeking support, consider joining our free polyamorous parents group, where we meet twice a month to share experiences and wisdom. For more personalized guidance, I offer small group and one-on-one consultations. Let's connect and explore how to make polyamory work for your family.

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